When Candy Hurts

Egads, where did this weight gain come from? This is worse than when I gained 20 pounds in my first two months of pregnancy and feared never seeing my feet again. Right now I'm only slightly smaller than my house. For my daughter's recent wedding, I had to have my dress specially tailored by a Bedouin tentmaker. And if the opportunity arises to escape this Wisconsin winter for a beach vacation, I now fear not only the potential for sunburn, but the very real possibility of harpoon wounds as well.

The problem is that my mouth desires entertainment when my body has absolutely no need of further intake. I have begun entertaining my mouth with sensations that are not high-calorie and fat-laden, with my current favorite being Altoids Cinnamon mints. WOW! I'm not sure if that's entertainment, but it is definitely a sensation and gets my mouth's full attention. Mmmm.... nice cinnamon scent, then a bit of a tingle, then... YOWZA, FIRE DAMMIT!

This reminds me of an article that appeared in Esquire March 2001:
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Recall those innocent days when you thought a Tic Tac in the mouth gave a bang to your life? Or remember even your first Altoid, when you couldn't believe so much peppermint could be harnessed into one small tablet? Good times, good times. Now we've entered a dark era, mintwise. In what seems a bizarre and pointless competition—A Cool War, if you will—mint makers keep upping the dosage. Try a Starbucks After Coffee Mint—a baby-aspirin sized pill—and you're in for a surprisingly painful experience: Your tongue burns as if you just swallowed lye. Your eyes water. Your taste buds are so frazzled, you can't tell a Macallan 25 from a Mad Dog 20/20. Should candy really make us suffer? No. If we're going to test our physical limits as men, shouldn't we do it by climbing the Andes or kayaking in the Atlantic, not by sampling breath fresheners? Yes. And yet, this phenomenon shows no sign of abating. You can buy Titanic Extra Strong Mints. Fresch mints from Germany. Trebor XXX Mints from England. All promise to pummel your mouth with subzero temperatures. We've had enough, thanks. We're going back to Life Savers. —John Godfrey
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What are they going to create next under the misnomer of "candy"? Horseradish hard candy? Wasabi taffy? The good news is my taste buds are getting permanently seared out of existence, and miraculously, eating is losing its appeal.